


Summer Years

by Lightmyfire



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Confusion, Denial of Feelings, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Forbidden Love, M/M, Pining, Sexual Confusion, Song fic, Trench Era, True Love, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-01-15 12:31:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18499027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lightmyfire/pseuds/Lightmyfire
Summary: Tyler contemplates his feelings for Josh during a break from the Bandito Tour.Josh contemplates his feelings for Tyler after the Summer Bandito tour comes to an end.Song fic inspired.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you RavenAurelieChoiseau for the beta.  
>   
> This is my first fic ever please be gentle  
> :)

**Summer Years**

_Based on Death Cab for Cute - "Summer Years"_

 

It's been a few weeks since the European leg of the tour ended and the excitement of the South American festivals has already begun to fizzle out for Tyler. He's laying on his bed staring at the ceiling while listening to the distant sounds of the shower running and the rustling of the leaves through the open window. He's grateful to finally be back home in Ohio, in his own home, his own bed – but something doesn't feel quite right inside. 

He's used to the post-show depression and chalks it up to the usual re-adjustments of reality again. It's hard going from nights running on pure adrenaline and passion with thousands of people screaming your name, thanking you for giving them purpose and keeping them alive. It's a responsibility Tyler doesn't take lightly and finds it really hard to grasp sometimes. He's not sure why he feels as empty as he does right now. Surely he should feel more fulfilled for having such incredible success lately and making everyone else happy? 

If anything he doesn't want to acknowledge the negative feelings because he feels guilty for even having them. He reprimands himself for feeling so down when he has everything in life he could possibly ever need. A loving wife, a beautiful home, the ability to make a livelihood on music, a fan base he wouldn't trade for anything, and Josh.

 

Feeling melancholic he decides to put on the latest Spotify playlist that Josh created for him of songs he thought he might like. He hopes if anything it will distract him from his own self-loathing. He connects his speakers next to the bed and presses play on his phone, immediately smiling when he hears Death Cab come through the speakers.

_Sometimes I wake at night_  
And watch the rain fall through the street lights  
'Cause you're standing still in my mind  
Fading out, waving goodbye

 

He feels a sudden a pang of nostalgia as he remembers how pivotal it felt to him learning that Josh had grown up loving Death Cab for Cutie just as much as he had. It was one of his favourite moments of bonding in the early days getting to know which songs had resonated with Josh the same as they did with him. Tyler's mind starts to wander to Josh, as it usually does. He hasn't seen him in a few weeks and it suddenly hit him how much he misses him.

 

_And I wonder where you are tonight_  
If the one you're with, was a compromise  
As we're walking lines in parallel  
That will never meet and it's just as well

 

Tyler had never really listened to this song closely before but suddenly he feels overcome with emotion. He had been trying his best not to imagine Josh back home with Debby. Every time he thinks about it he feels angry and he isn't even sure why anymore. Sometimes he HAS wondered if Debby was just a compromise for Josh. If he's just settling for the sake of settling. He's always believed Josh deserves so much better but at the same time he doesn't want to see him with anyone at all. 

He hates himself for even thinking such thoughts. He hasn't really had time to reflect much on how the last leg of the tour went but if he were honest with himself he would say it was a lot more fun without Debby around. Tyler felt happy to have Josh to himself again. They had drifted so far over the break and his resentment of him going back to Debby definitely put a wedge between their friendship. He finally felt like things were going back to the way they used to be and was feeling more like himself for the first time in a long time. 

_Sometimes I'm overcome_  
By every choice I couldn't outrun  
The junctions all disappear  
You can't double back to your summer years

 

Tyler sighs and stands up from the bed and walks over to the window. He runs his fingers through his hair in a desperate attempt to shake the thoughts from invading his mind. He's afraid of fully going there. Afraid of what it could mean. Taking a minute to gaze out the window at the twinkling stars and vibrant glow of the moon. He lets his eyes trail down to the luscious expanse of the dark illuminated forest underneath that belongs to him and Jenna. He can't forget about Jenna of course. 

In the moment he feels frustrated and hopes that her shower takes a little longer. He hasn't been fully alone in what feels like forever. Not that he doesn't love his wife, but sometimes it feels insufferable. He never gets moments to himself anymore. It's hard to find any time to reflect when he isn't designating that time to working on the music, but feeling like he has to show an end product to justify being alone. 

Staring out the window Tyler starts reminiscing how things used to be... when he was just with Josh in the van, driving around the country. Feeling euphoric every day of his life. He isn't sure now if it's because of the adventure of pursuing his passion or because he had Josh at his side. Probably both.

 

_And I wonder where you are tonight_  
If the one you're with was a compromise  
As we're walking lines in parallel  
That will never meet and  
it's just as well

 

Tyler closes the blinds on the window and walks back over to the bed. He puts his face in his hands feeling overwhelmed and confused. He's torn between wanting to untangle everything he's feeling, but also wanting to leave it completely alone and never go there. It just hurts too much. Sometimes he wonders why he got married so quickly to Jenna, and other times he knows exactly why. In the rare occasion he is allowed to be alone with Josh, usually doing something band related, he starts to feel those old feelings creep back into his heart. 

He had forgotten the way Josh's smile crinkles his whole face all the way up to his eyes and wants to do everything he can to make him laugh. He forgot how beautiful he is when he's lost in the music head thrown back beating loudly on the drums. He was seeing for the first time how his confidence has begun to radiate off of him with the experience of speaking in front of thousands or in interviews and was in awe. He forgot the warm feeling that would settle in his chest or tighten in his pants every time Josh would throw his arm around him, pulling him close. 

He missed all of it but he had to keep it at a distance. A lot had changed over the break. Tyler had walked around in a daze most of that time feeling as if he was missing a limb but not allowed to talk about it. He threw himself so intensely into the music and writing that he forgot so much of himself in the process. He was living and existing so much in DEMA and the world he created that he didn't remember much of what it was he was trying to escape in the first place, until it came full circle. 

Tyler hadn't even allowed himself any time to process the grief of Josh's engagement. He doesn't even know how he feels about it, let alone enough to tell Josh or even the world publicly. He doesn't care that he's being a bad friend anymore. He knows he lost Josh when he panicked over his growing desire for him and married Jenna instead.

_And I wonder where you are tonight  
If the one you're with was a compromise_

Tyler didn't even know he was crying until he felt the wetness on his hands dripping down his arms. He was so tired. So drained. All he could think of now was how much he missed Josh and how much he wished he was laying next to him. He began to quietly sob at the thought of Josh laying in Debby's arms excitedly telling her everything that happened in Europe. HE should be the one reminiscing with Josh about tour and joking about all the things that went wrong and all the moments that made them feel alive. 

Now he's home feeling empty inside, like half of his heart is missing. Feeling worse guilt that he isn't feeling this way with Jenna. Tyler lays on his side facing the speakers and cries softly. He picks up his phone, turns the music off and lingers on his current text threads. 

He stares at Josh's name for a minute before deciding to type: “i miss u”, but before he has a chance to press send he hears Jenna heading to the bedroom. He quickly wipes his tears, takes his shirt off and turns off the light. He doesn't feel like talking to her or even trying to explain why he's upset so he gets under the covers and pretends he's asleep. 

Jenna walks in the bedroom, shocked to see the lights off and Tyler asleep so early. She gets under the covers and whispers a “Night Ty” and tries to will herself to sleep. 

_As we're walking lines in parallel  
That will never meet and it's just as well  
It's just as well_


	2. Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sequel with Josh's perspective. Flash forward to current time. Bandito tour has just ended for the Summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Currently un-edited.

**Summer Years – Pt II**  
_Based on Death Cab for Cute - "Summer Years"_  


It was a beautiful humid July evening in LA when Josh finally reached his home away from home apartment that definitely was not Columbus, Ohio. Tonight was especially extraordinary. Josh loved the golden hour watching the sun set along the horizon casting the backdrop into silhouetted imagery. It felt like magic and falling in love in the Summer time all encapsulated. Something about it he tried to savour as the last little bits of hope before the night overtakes with its darkness. 

It can bring out his own inner darkness that he does not want to see the light of day. Josh takes one final look at his surroundings, breathes it in and sighs as he goes forth unlocking his door and stepping in. Usually Jim would be bountifully greeting him at this point but Jordan was still watching him at his place. He missed Jim so much and couldn't wait to love him up with hugs and cuddles soon. With the noticed loss of Jim's energy he suddenly felt very alone. 

Debby was off doing production work on her television show, and frankly he didn't mind the opportunity to be alone for once but he realized he was not used to it at all. He is accustomed to a regimented schedule of where to be and when and now it was slightly terrifying going back into unstructured time - other than the few festivals they have coming up.

Josh puts his bags down, takes his shoes off and pads over to his living room stereo system turning it on but not yet playing any music. He walks over to the couch and dramatically flops onto it groaning at the welcomed comfort he feels sinking into its cushioned embrace. It felt so weird to be finally done the shows. Done the majority of travelling around – for now. Something still though was gnawing at him inside. He should feel thrilled to have a break and SLEEP and just do nothing if he wants to... right? 

He had been worried this would happen but was trying to willfully keep the anxiety at bay. He only JUST got in the door, couldn't his psyche give him a break for a minute before making him think of everything he doesn't want to remember? Being back here alone in his place is starting to trigger him back to last year, the aforementioned HIATUS. One of the hardest times he has ever had to endure. Josh rubs his face vigorously with his hands as if trying to scrub the thoughts right out of his head. 

It's DIFFERENT now. He shouldn't feel the same way. Things are BETTER. He's frantically trying to self-talk himself into a more positive state of mind. He's frustrated with himself but moreso at the fact that he's feeling so uncomfortable and irritable. Something is missing. Something doesn't feel right. 

He realizes he's been sitting in silence with his tortured thoughts too long and hopes that music will help him lift out of this fog. He pulls his phone from his pocket, connecting his Spotify to the stereo and selects the last playlist listened to. This one he created specifically for Tyler. Maybe it will help him feel less alone right now. It's so easy for his heart to go searching to feel Tyler in the words.

 

_Sometimes I wake at night_  
_And watch the rain fall through the street lights_  
_'Cause you're standing still in my mind_  
_Fading out, waving goodbye  
  
_

His thoughts flicker immediately to saying goodbye to Tyler in the Quebec airport earlier that morning. Tyler was heading back to Columbus and Josh was heading back to LA. One of the few times in a long while where they've had to part ways knowing they're not going to be seeing each other every day and then eventually for a few months. He can't stop envisioning the way Tyler looked at him mournfully after he gave him a quick hug and a “See you soon dude.” 

There was something about that goodbye that felt bittersweet. It felt like Tyler wanted to say something but the gravity of the moment felt too heavy and was left to an unspoken look of resound sadness and acceptance before they parted ways. He wants to think there was some mutual understanding that transpired.. but of what?

 

_And I wonder where you are tonight_  
_If the one you're with was a compromise_  
_As we're walking lines in parallel_  
_That will never meet and it's just as well  
  
_

Josh looks out the window and the sun has finally set into darkness. He allows his mind to drift back to Tyler. It's his default state of mind. He wonders what he's doing back home right now. Whatever it is, it's with Jenna. Josh angrily flinches at his own thoughts reminding him of the reality of the situation. He's not with you every day anymore. He chose to be with her and he knows he broke your heart. He was okay with breaking it. 

Josh turns over on the couch in a desperate attempt to shake that last thought even though a few tears have started to well up in his eyes. He starts thinking about how things used to be, how happy he used to feel every moment, every day. Didn't matter how many interviews they had to do, or how much time on planes or lack of sleep. He was overjoyed with happiness every day being next to Tyler living out their dreams together and knowing only they truly understood what the other was feeling through all of it. No friends or family could really understand or know what it felt like being up on those stages every night going from nothing to overwhelming fame - hearing people screaming your name and thanking you. Tyler kept him grounded and he could rest easy knowing that he felt it too.

 

_Sometimes I'm overcome_  
_By every choice I couldn't outrun_  
_The junctions all disappear_  
_You can't double back to your summer years  
  
_

The hardest part was when Blurryface tour ended and no one knew what was coming. Josh himself really didn't know what would come of it. He missed the days where Tyler would unabashedly call him his best friend to everyone and not care what anyone thought about them together – despite being married at that time too. Tyler started pushing him away at the same time they had to push the fans away. 

He understands he was exhausted, under pressure and trying to come up with another album but it broke his heart in an entirely new way. He couldn't tell if Jenna or his family finally had THE talk with him about how un-husbandly it is to joke about being with your best guy friend so much or how it was an embarrassment to the family. Everything shifted though. He felt like part of himself died and he had no choice but to just accept it and go along with it. He still misses it every day because it was always their thing. Tyler and Josh. Best frens.

 

 

_And I wonder where you are tonight_  
_If the one you're with was a compromise_  
_As we're walking lines in parallel_  
_That will never meet and it's just as well  
  
_

Last year he couldn't take the pain of being pushed away by Tyler. Moving to LA years ago, was one of the only things he felt he had control of knowing that Tyler would soon be married. He knew he couldn't handle watching that transition and had to get out of there. Leaving was probably the best thing he could have done for his heart but he still prefers Ohio and misses it constantly. After Tyler started isolating himself last year in his basement for Trench, he had felt so disconnected and lonely. 

He knew Tyler knew of his feelings for him but it was never spoken about. Josh knew that Tyler felt something too at some point but was too scared to face it and rushed his entire relationship without even consulting him of major life decisions that would also impact the band. Josh had been crying steadily at this point reflecting back on everything he didn't want to think about. It still hurt so much. In a lot of ways he feels ashamed and guilty for going back to Debby last year because he selfishly felt so alone and heartbroken. 

He knows he's settling. She doesn't deserve it but it's so much easier to just be with her and continue on pretending he's not in pain. He does love her but he doesn't see the point in trying anymore with anyone new when he knows that he can never be with the one person he truly loves.

 

_And I wonder where you are tonight_  
_If the one you're with was a compromise_  
_As we're walking lines in parallel_  
_That will never meet and it's just as well  
  
_

He knew that Tyler didn't approve of their getting back together, let alone their engagement and he righteously didn't care. He was resentful of everything Tyler put him through and Tyler knows he has no right to say anything about it and never will. The fans like to joke about him being a coward but they both know the actual validity to it in much deeper ways. 

It took Josh a long time to come through the year gaining back his own self respect after the years he had pined for Tyler falling for all of his flirtations and lustful looks. He refused to let himself fall for it this time. The less he gives Tyler, the more Tyler tries to seek out from him. It made him feel powerful to have that control back this year. 

In previous interviews Josh would be whipped to whatever Tyler was saying and the first to say anything complimentary about Tyler but he noticed over the past couple months Tyler would be making comments about how much he loved him in almost every interview or press conference. Josh would only laugh and never address it or make sure he had felt reciprocation. 

He was done with those days. Even if it hurt him to not shout it to everyone how much he means to him. He can't. Things had started to get better in Europe and then eventually in Mexico when they were both partner-less for the first time. Josh had felt happier than he had in a long time. Like old times. God he misses it so much already.

 

_And I wonder where you are tonight_  
_If the one you're with was a compromise_  
_As we're walking lines in parallel_  
_That will never meet and it's just as well  
  
_

Josh can't take it anymore. He grabs his phone that was laying on his chest and bolts up into a seated position. He knows he's not going to be alone much longer with Debby returning whenever and he desperately feels like he needs to know what Tyler is thinking or feeling. He frantically wipes away the tears that were still sliding down his cheeks and opens up his text thread to find Tyler's name. He doesn't know why but his heart is suddenly beating rapidly and it feels harder to breathe. 

Josh debates if he should bother texting him or not. There's no way he could possibly be feeling the same way. He's got his loving wife and beautiful house and their stupid perfect life now. He convinces himself that Tyler isn't thinking of him too and puts his phone on the coffee table in front of him. He puts his face in his hands and lets out an anguished sigh. 

At that very moment he hears a vibration on the glass-top. He lowers his fingers and blinks back tears to see the screen has lit up. It's probably just Debby, he tells himself as he stretches his shaky hand forward to pick up the phone. 

His face illuminated by the blinding white light in the darkened living room and he breaks out into the biggest smile possible. A wave of relief as he smacks his hand across his mouth and lets a few tears roll back down. 

For the first time in a long time his heart feels less heavy.

**New Text Message from Tyler:** i miss u already

_And I wonder where you are tonight_  
_And if the one you're with was a compromise_  
_As we're walking lines in parallel_  
_That will never meet and it's just as well_  
  
_It's just as well_


End file.
